The Library Is Closed

by Ron Gilbert
Aug 29, 2016

BREAKING NEWS: The new book count is 1082. Amazing job everyone!

UPDATE UPDATE: The mansion mansion library is now closed. This time for realz.

UPDATE: Due to some (ok, a lot) of confusions about submissions be closed the 29th being the beginning of the day, not the end, I'm going to open them back up until Aug 30th at 6:00pm PDT.   No second chancies.

BONUS POINTS: If you write about Health or Sports.

- Ron

The Library is now closed!  (not really, see above)

You submitted a total of 926 entries. This number is probably a little high due to some people submitting the same book 2 or 3 times with corrections, but it's close.

We currently have room for 261 books, but it's pretty easy to increase the number of books, so we'll do our best to get everyone in.

The sections aren't the same physical size, some of are small and only have rooms for a few books, others are large, so we can fit the smaller book counts into the smaller sections.

The breakdown of sections is...

Adventure: 95
Mystery: 90
Sci-fi: 74
Non-fiction: 69
Self Help: 64
Romance: 50
Short Stories: 50
Crime: 43
Autobiographies: 40
Young Adult Fiction: 40
Cooking and Food: 35
Poetry: 35
Programming: 33
Physics and Astronomy: 26
Jokes and Humor: 25
Travel: 25
Arts and Entertainment: 22
Nature: 20
Math: 17
Robotics: 17
Biology: 15
Business: 15
Home and Garden: 13
Health: 7
Sports and Outdoors: 6

PAX is this week, so I won't be able to get anything into the game until next week. Once I do, I might open it back up for selected sections.

If we need more books, we might open it back up with just the sections that need books.  It will be a few weeks before we know that information.

Thanks to everyone who submitted. It's going to be a fun library.

- Ron

Daniel - Aug 29, 2016 at 13:27
Bummer... I was almost done with my 80's themed cookbook entry. Meant to get it in last night. Oh well, I am glad to see you got lots of participation. I hope you got what you were looking for and not added difficulty in programming.

Tralalalah - Aug 29, 2016 at 13:49
Unless Ron opens up a special entry for you in a few weeks, consider pasting what you have here. It sounds like a funny idea, that i would like to read.

Brian Bagnall - Aug 29, 2016 at 13:35
Those are some nice stats. Thanks for letting us be part of the project! I think it's safe to say that no matter what a person's backer level, they have gotten their money's worth from this project even before playing the game. It's been amazing to follow this one, more so than any project I've backed.

Mettanine - Aug 31, 2016 at 16:05
Oh, hey! I thought your name sounded familiar... Of course it is, one of your books is lying on my bedside table. ;) (On the Edge) Thanks for your thorough research and making it entertaining to read. I'm looking forward to your submission in the game... If I can find it that is...

Arto - Aug 29, 2016 at 13:45
Thank you. This was fun!

Christopher Griffin - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:05
I think that crowdsourcing this type of thing is awesome -- because, even though we all have similar tastes in games (obviously), this is a quick way to get really varied content that doesn't sound like it was all written by the same person.  I love helping out on these tasks!

Jaap - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:29
Holy crab sticks, my stupid business totally made me miss this deadline. Hopefully this window will indeed open again.

Derrick Reisdorf - Aug 29, 2016 at 15:57
Considering they received way more submissions than what was needed, I doubt it.

Derrick Reisdorf - Aug 29, 2016 at 15:58
But, then again, since Ron said it is possible, he might just dare to give himself more work to do!  :)

Zombocast - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:35
I was playing Warcraft instead doing something productive like contributing to to the betterment of society. I'm sorry Ron, i'm weak.

Aubrey Alexander - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:39
If you do open it back up, I'll definitely submit one for a section that needs some extra writing.

Arto - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:44
Is there a puzzle to solve that include a book/books in this library, or are the books written by you only there to provide some background information?

Ron Gilbert - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:50
There are a few puzzles involving books in the library, but they are for books we wrote, so they include the needed information.  We'll probably include some achievements for reading books. Not sure what ones yet.

Emmanuel Eytan - Aug 29, 2016 at 14:58
How will we know if we got books in? Will it be when we play the game, or will you let us know when you make your decision?

Brian - Aug 29, 2016 at 15:11
I was wondering this too. Would love to know if we got accepted. Maybe Ron could release a list of titles?

Big Red Button - Aug 29, 2016 at 16:34
As Ron wrote, they will try to get everyone in, so that you might have very good chances, provided that your entry fulfills the conditions.

In my opinion, it would also be exciting to be kept ignorant until we have the game and explore the library ourselves.

Maybe he will give us an insight once the library is completed, similar to the presentation video of the occult book store.

Franz - Aug 29, 2016 at 17:27
I'd like to know one day if my "Health" Voodoo Beverages Recipes by Mama Mojo has been accepted...

Derrick Reisdorf - Aug 29, 2016 at 15:51
Aw, shucks. I thought we had until the end of today.
I was going to finish my "collection" of (6) limericks.

Derrick Reisdorf - Aug 29, 2016 at 15:54
Here's a taste:

There once lived a pirate from La Grande,
too afraid to step foot off dry land.
Never learned how to swim.
How ironic for him
that he died one day drowned in quicksand.

Wluut - Aug 30, 2016 at 17:11
You still have two hours...

Derrick P Reisdorf - Aug 30, 2016 at 22:40
Dang.  Work.  Missed the deadline.  Oh well.  :/

Hopefully my previous two submissions make it in...

longuist - Aug 30, 2016 at 23:52
Its still open?! I hope my submissions wont get in because they were bad :)

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 29, 2016 at 16:28
Oh, I thought you were in need of more romance books... I'm a very good soccer player so I could've written about soccer or some other sport I'm involved with if I had known you had so few books about sports! I know a couple of my friends that are doctors so I could've written something about that as well. I did submit my books again with corrections. Here are my four books:

Title: The Last Aid (Short Stories)

(Page 1 in the book) The kid, which he gave away his bullet proof vest to, was actually too small for it. The doctor who gave the vest is now suffering badly by using all might looking to avoid paying the high price which the humanitarian mistake means. Not a sacrifice, he wouldn’t call it that. His first mistake was to become a volunteer. This was now the biggest mistake, perhaps the last aid he would give. Let the bullets whiz away right this minute and I shall dance all night long longer for you, my Lord over black. – Stand by us, heed our cry!

(Page 2 in the book) I looked at the sky and nothing met my gaze. I saw the void. How terrible if I had felt the void. Respiration ceases and the spirit eases. Onwards goes the soul. The ground frost takes possession of the body. Things like faith do exist. In the music I hear cries for angels and heroes. I hear. I drag the coffins. I sing in the choir.


– Be strong, were whispered. Weep with me.

Scream. SCREAM! Scream...

The meaning of life is to save it?

Title: Tripped on the timeline (Sci-fi)

(Page 8 in the book) - What's that? - It's a cell phone I brought from the future and here's a video you must watch... - Is that really me? - It will be you, unless you stop being selfish! - What? - You had no right to force me into this broken world! It broke ME and the pieces are now begging you not to go to the party where you'll meet my dad. You're a great mother, but that's not enough. I don't have a future in the future. People disappointed me so I disappointed people. I was 12 years old when I

(Page 9 in the book) hadn't cleaned my room in months, so dad became angry and hit me. He would sometimes ask me if I was stupid or pretended to be stupid. I could never come up with an answer. He's a drug user and you're gonna divorce him anyway. Nothing happens 2012, but there's a global financial crisis in 2008. I've brought lottery numbers for you. I've helped many people, but I can't help myself and I don't like asking for help. Please make the world a better place just by doing nothing! Although no one will give you thanks. What will you do?

Title: Funniest eulogies (Jokes and Humor)

(Page 1 in the book) Eulogies should prove that you can't spell "funeral" without "fun". Sometimes people have the nerve to suddenly die, but if you're lucky enough to know someone who's slowly dying, why not tell her/him/it the funny eulogy beforehand? A good hearty laugh could make them prone to include you in their will so you inherit a mansion or an island. Or a mansion on an island.

If you suspect that your funny eulogy won't be appreciated, simply find another funeral. It can be a stranger, just don't let a funny eulogy go to waste. For that is the 11th commandment!


(Page 2 in the book) considered (by sensitive people) bad taste to deliver a funny eulogy in case you were the one who killed the person to death.

If the funeral has guests from different countries, translate the funny eulogy to gibberish.

It's okay to use the same funny eulogy many times if there's a serial suicider on the loose.

A funny eulogy should be cheap like a coffin from IKEA.

Connect the funny bone to the hip bone and shoot from there, maybe the laughter will wake the undead!

- My dear frenemy, bloated and pixelated from decay of a death come too soon...

Title: The Clouds Are Ours (Romance)

(Page 4 in the book) We asked at the same time, but none of us could get down on our knees as we sat in the Paris Ferris wheel and we didn't have to say yes, we kissed. I worked for months to create a pink wedding dress and matching shoes for you. Suitable one of noble birth. When you woke up in the morning by someone tickling your cute feet, it was I who tried to take your measurements. The first flower that I gave you, you used it in the bridal bouquet, to my great delight. And I am so glad that you think I'm handsomely dressed!

(Page 5 in the book) The twilight song dissipates, rings out of the narrow. The sea brings storms of emotions. We dive in from the steamboat jetty. So the knot is tied. Our symbiosis complete, including roses and thorns. I can now define happiness. It won't be daytime until our wedding night is over, and it lasts as long as we want to.

Have you seen such an elusive day it is. What does the clouds look like today? They let through a ray that warms us a bit, which is welcome in the skiing trails here in the Alps. I have not been here before unlike you, but I enjoy it. Our honeymoon underneath a shy moon is almost over.

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 29, 2016 at 16:32
PS. I wrote two new books in English for Thimbleweed Park and the other two books are short stories I wrote in Swedish several years ago and translated to English. I translated one of them (The Last Aid) two years ago and the other (The Clouds Are Ours) I translated now for Thimbleweed Park.

Hysteria - Aug 29, 2016 at 16:43
Hi all! It looks like I missed the deadline and hope it will open again!
Anyways,  I post my novel here...
by Csiri
[Page 1]
I endeavored to maintain an even pace as I kept going along the mountain. I must’ve been going like this for a while now, though to be honest, I couldn’t remember; all I focused on was to keep my eyes on my destination, trying not to think about what would happen if I looked down. I would likely be terrified by the height and fall to my death, all because of one careless move. I pressed on regardless, clinging firmly to gaps in the rocky hillside like a hawk to its prey.
Why should I not care? Why in the world should I not care? I kept repeating the question in my mind at fixed intervals. I noticed some fresh blood gushing from beneath my nails. My whole hand was a mess of cuts and scrapes. The skin on my knuckles was all torn up. I’d never been a skilled climber; in fact, I probably wasn’t a good one at all. I wasn’t good with heights, either, and lacked the necessary endurance. I was, however, quite adept at forcing myself to do things I was otherwise terrible at in order to get me through situations I normally wouldn’t have been able to overcome otherwise. That feat, however, had its price – my gory mess of a hand stood testament to it.
I kept going, gritting my teeth with such intensity I expected them to break and pop out of their sockets. I reassured myself that I only had a few more meters to go as I accidentally cut my forearm following a botched move. As a result, I instead made myself focus on the monotone nature of my own thoughts. There was no reason for me to care. And I didn’t – not to this extent. Yet here I was, climbing ever onwards.
Why was I so adamant about this? A futile question, for all intents and purposes – that much I knew. Yet I nonetheless tried to collect my thoughts. I found it, then lost it. Or perhaps I never found it at all. It was all too confusing. Man, I totally lost it. We invented a reality for ourselves, only to cling onto it with utmost desperation. All for nothing. The very thought of it made me chuckle.
[Page 2]
A distant rumble interrupted my thoughts. I looked up. She stood on the opposite side, shouting at me: “Hey! Hey!”
I pulled myself up to nearby outcropping and raised an arm to wave at her. This proved unwise – the violent surge of pain electrifying my whole body reminded me of my injuries; I was covered in bruises.
„You okay?” – she shouted with notable worry in her tone. „Were you not hurt?”
„This…?” – I answered, still struggling to breathe. „Just comes with the territory…” – I said, my features contorting in pain.
A brief period of time passed in complete silence, with neither of us saying a word. I stared at the hillside, trying not to look at the gaping abyss below.
“And now…?” – she asked. “What will happen now?”
“Now? Well, nothing at all.”
She was visibly astonished. “But… then… This makes no sense! You came all the way here for me, only to…”
I interrupted her. „For you?! I never once said I came here for you! I came this far to show you I was capable of doing it… Like you would’ve ever asked! You and your kind are incapable of even asking anymore. You’re afraid of commitment, knowing you’d be unable to live up to expectations. So there you have it!”
She closed her mouth and simply stared at me in silence, trying to make sense of the words I’d just shouted into the wind. Or at least I hoped so.
“Perhaps you’re waiting for someone to do something you yourself are incapable of. But no one’s gonna do anything they know nothing about! If you want something, do it yourself! No matter how pointless it may seem.”
And with that, I turned around and began my descent with the kind of care and precision I’d never once exhibited my entire life. It went way easier – and faster – than my ascent. As pain once again flared up in my bruised fingertips, all I could do was smile.

Nor Treblig - Aug 29, 2016 at 19:09
Note that you would have to trim it to about 30%.

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Aug 30, 2016 at 04:57
Good, but...
- Page 1 is 1971 characters and 380 words
- Page 2 is 1811 characters and 345 words

The limits are 650 characters per page and approx. 75 to 100 words per page.
Try to emulate Ron Gilbert at early steps in creating Thimbleweed Park: Cut! Cut! CUT!!! :-)

Hysteria - Aug 30, 2016 at 06:56
Thank Ron to open the Library for 1 extra day!
Also tks the comments, I tried to cut my novel and submitted it ;)
This is the final version (648/640 characters :))
by Csiri
[Page 1]
I endeavored to maintain an even pace as I kept going along the mountain. I must’ve been going like this for a while now, though to be honest, I couldn’t remember; all I focused on was to keep my eyes on my destination, trying not to think about what would happen if I looked down. I would likely be terrified by the height and fall to my death, all because of one careless move.
Why should I not care? I kept repeating the question in my mind at fixed intervals. There was no reason for me to care. I tried to collect my thoughts. I found it, then lost it. Or perhaps I never found it at all. It was too confusing. Yet here I was, climbing onwards.
[Page 2]
A distant rumble interrupted my thoughts. I looked up. She stood on the opposite side, shouting at me: “Hey! Hey!”
I pulled myself up and raised an arm to wave at her. I was covered in bruises.
„You okay?” „Were you not hurt?”
„This…?” „Just comes with the territory…”
“And now…?” – she asked. “What will happen now?”
“Now…? Nothing at all.”
She was visibly astonished. “But… then… You came all the way here for me, only to…”
I interrupted her. „For you?! I'm not here for you! I came this far to show you I was capable of doing it."
And with that, I turned around and began my descent with the kind of care I’d never once exhibited my entire life.

Fan2000 - Aug 29, 2016 at 16:45
Aw, nuts. I was hoping the deadline went until the end of the 29th ;p

If you want a non-fiction book on time-travel, I wrote an entry for that...

Akolade - Aug 29, 2016 at 19:33
Oh man, I found a small grammar error in my submission, now I won't be able to sleep at night.

Derrick Reisdorf - Aug 29, 2016 at 23:02
I know exactly what you mean.  I'm not the greatest grammar guy...It's spelling that gets me.  Occasionally on these forums, I'll post something with a typo.  Ooh, how I squirm when I can't edit it!

James - Aug 29, 2016 at 21:35
Oh nuts.  I also thought that the deadline date of August 29th meant that submissions would be accepted today. =(

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 30, 2016 at 02:06
I feel like writing a book called "Karma Sutra" or "Parry Hotter"... :P

Wluut - Aug 30, 2016 at 17:10
I would definitly read it ;-)

Big Red Button - Aug 30, 2016 at 18:17
Me too. :-)

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 30, 2016 at 19:06
I'm glad to hear it! :-)

Eric - Aug 31, 2016 at 00:03
I submitted "Misery Loves Company" by Stephen Bachman, which features the author of the "Perry Trotter" magical wizard kid series.

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Aug 30, 2016 at 03:14
I was thinking...
- we have over 3000 books in the Occult Bookstore, submitted by users
- we'll have almost 1000 books in the Library, submittet by users
It cannot be said that users of this blog are without culture!!
And... future players will have a good pastime in reading all our submissions!
Thimbleweed Park has already won.

Loftcraft - Aug 30, 2016 at 03:46
The most unpopular topics:

-Home and Garden
-Sports and Outdoors

The most popular topics:


Ok, so most of the users are couch potatoes, don`t care about their health, live in messy homes and are unemployed. But at least they don`t seem to be unhappy: They live in imaginary worlds full of adventure and mystery, or dream of the future...

Martin Wendt - Aug 30, 2016 at 06:17
I chose to refrain from yet another astrophysics article/book and went for something completely else :)

Nor Treblig - Aug 30, 2016 at 07:37

Martin Wendt - Aug 31, 2016 at 01:55
No, something not really funny at all but a bit informative. I think that would be a nice thing to have every now and then in such a library.

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 30, 2016 at 17:56
I've been listening a lot to the cute, talented and wonderful Cyndi Lauper <3 singing "I drove all night" while writing so I can recommend that while as we are approaching the deadline which will hopefully bring life to more books! ;-) :-)

LostTrainDude - Aug 30, 2016 at 19:36
As "promised" on Twitter, I also sent the "Insult Swordfighting 101" book (by a certain Oswald *Smeerque* Jr.). I hope it doesn't break any of the rules!

I have a question, though. Did this, by any chance, replace my previous submission from days ago? I'm concerned because the URL of the page that would let me modify my submission right away was the same as the previous one (though I figured out that once closed, I can't access them anymore).

If I had to choose between the two I'd gladly for the first, even if I love the second as well!

Eric - Aug 30, 2016 at 23:59
I took the "1987 appropriate" bit kind of seriously and wrote about a dozen parodies of the bestselling books of 1986-87. Now I'm wondering if I tripped up on the "Must be your original work. No public domain works." rule. "Fine Stuff"  by Danielle Peele, "That" by Stephen Bachman, "Canadian Psycho" by Bruce Beston Ennis, and "Neurondancer" by Bill Gibbons is all original work, right?

Brian Bagnall - Aug 31, 2016 at 02:45
Oops, waited a little too long on this one. It was sports related too!

King of the Links
Reggie McGregor
thunderous smash as metal meets dimpled glory. You’ll never go back after using the Matubo XLXLX driver. And so stylish! The tactile grips come in zebra, tiger or cheetah because you deserve real fur, not that cheap rubber that other manufacturers use. We guarantee the Matubo Golf System™ will enhance your love life and your golf game. The Matubolux Putter is the ultimate in golf ball delivery systems. Why, we dare you to try to miss. You couldn’t sink the ball any better if we handed you a broom and told you to sweep it right into the hole. This gold-plated beauty is on the forefront of 1970’s composite materials. And don’t forget the gas-powered Matubo 3000, known as the Ferrari of course mobility devices. But be careful not to drive too close to the gallery because the ladies will be throwing themselves into your golf cart. We’ll even include a sleeve of Matubo’s Excellence Balls. These balata covered marvels are wound 800 times with Brazilian Tarantula webbing and contain a core of elephant ivory. Your balls will ride the winds of destiny all the way into the cup. Longer. Higher. Farther. Faster. The Matubo Golf System. They’ll pay you to play on their course. Guaranteed.*
(* Not guaranteed.)

David Thomson - Aug 31, 2016 at 03:45
I've submitted four books so far: one travel, one mystery, one self-help (sent in twice due to a correction) and now one health.
I'm a journalist by trade and quite used to writing in different styles, so I just wanted to say that - if you are still falling short in any particular categories - please just drop me a line if you need anything else rustled up.
This was such an amazing idea and I've loved being involved.
Thank you.

mellon - Aug 31, 2016 at 04:08
but you keep only the good ones, right? :x

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Aug 31, 2016 at 06:29
Open Library
- "Sorry, it's closed, NOW!"
Open Library
- "Which part of 'NOW' is not clear?"

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 31, 2016 at 12:08
The "O"-part because it look's like a "0" = zero. :P

Daniel Sorensen - Aug 31, 2016 at 10:43
I wonder how many cookbooks included a microwave. I remember we used to have lots of cookbooks specific to the microwave back in the 80s. It was kind of a new and exciting thing back then.

Mattias Cedervall - Aug 31, 2016 at 12:02
These days we just use a replicator.

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Aug 31, 2016 at 13:35
;-)  It will come, the day where computers will say: "Hi Zak, here is your usual dish. Keep it and silence!"

James - Sep 04, 2016 at 20:12
I wonder how many of them involve a microwave and a hamster... D=

Daniel - Aug 31, 2016 at 14:11
For as much as I loved this library task, I hope it doesn't require 3 more temps to sift through all the data and push back the game to next summer. ;-)

I DO hope it provides Ron and the team with a few laughs.

Daniel - Aug 31, 2016 at 17:53
If each of the 1082 books submitted uses its 100 words per page, there is a combined word count of 216,400 which is just a hair more than Fyodor Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment at 211,591 words.

You guys are going to need an editor for sure. I hope there are some good ones in that pile.

Ron Gilbert - Aug 31, 2016 at 18:01
That's terrifying. CUT! CUT! CUT!

Big Red Button - Sep 01, 2016 at 05:55
If they apportion this job among three or four team members, the Crime and Punishment becomes quickly a nice little bedtime reading, just as a Donald Duck pocket book.

Chessie - Aug 31, 2016 at 19:29
My submission "How Perilous is Pasta?" was submitted as "Food" but really could go in the "Health" category,  as it's a parody of different anti-drug rhetoric and attitudes I remember from the 1980s. Mix it up as you wish, fellas. Even if my entries don't make it in, they were so much fun to write. Thank you for crowdsourcing this task.

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Sep 01, 2016 at 05:56
As italian, now I am curious... how perilous is Pasta?! :-)

LilaQ - Sep 01, 2016 at 00:24
You guys should totally extend that deadline by another week.

I totally missed this :

Big Red Button - Sep 01, 2016 at 06:40
Will it be apparent within the game that those books in the library and in the occult book store are invented by backers (with a few exceptions)?

Zak Phoenix McKracken - Sep 01, 2016 at 08:34
Hey, it's true that you submitted a book called "DON'T PRESS ME", by Big Red Button?

Big Red Button - Sep 01, 2016 at 11:46
Why should I submit such a book? I've always loved to get pushed again and yet again. It's an incomparable fun to get pressed by a curious guy and to watch his surprised glance after this. :-)

Big Red Button - Sep 01, 2016 at 13:05
Though, maybe I should have reported on this joy instead via a submission in due time. "The Sadistic Joy of Getting Pushed" by Big Red Button.

Daniel - Sep 01, 2016 at 11:46
I assume for the best game play, they will choose books that blend in nicely with the official submissions so that the clues are well hidden. As a result, you won't see any indicators on the crowdsource books vs the official books.

tomimt - Sep 04, 2016 at 05:40
I threw in a couple of books myself as well. It'll be interesting to see if they get in the library. Then again, I don't know how much I'll end up randomly picking up those books.

Amb - Sep 05, 2016 at 23:14
Since translating nearly 1000 of these might take a very long time, why not simply redo the exercise with entirely different texts for different languages?  I won't be able to enter as I only speak English (and a small amount of Maori) but this might be a faster way to get 1000 ish books for other languages.  This way translational issues won't be a problem at all.

Daniel Sorensen - Sep 06, 2016 at 00:27
If that is possible, that's a good idea. I was wondering how the jokes in my English book would translate to another language anyway. (probably not well)

That said, unless someone on the team can read the other languages it wouldn't be as easy to edit and review the other language entries.

Eric Jacobsen - Dec 22, 2016 at 13:31
Will there be some sort of announcement or list regarding which submissions were accepted?

Ron Gilbert - Dec 22, 2016 at 13:33
We won't be announcing what books got accepted.  There is no easy way to do that.

Eric Jacobsen - Dec 23, 2016 at 23:05
Thank you! The hard way it is

Nor Treblig - Dec 22, 2016 at 20:07
(After game release) XOR game data with 0x69 and search for your books content.